The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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