That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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