my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
