just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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