my phone needs a breathalizer
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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