then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think i got beer on your cat.
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