I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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