My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Terrible idea I love it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
