She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
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