Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
