Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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