i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize