You're so nebulous sometimes
This girl is more easily done than said...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
