we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
