Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
