i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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