I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
