We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
