i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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