she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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