he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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