Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
