i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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