I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
