Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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