I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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