I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
