I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
