sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
