When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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