Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
