Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
