I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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