NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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