Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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