You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
