the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
