I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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