Got a toothbrush?
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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