after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
