He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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