at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
