Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize