just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
