fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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