I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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