if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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