He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
