Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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