i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
