I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
