I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
