where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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