A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
