I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
