im about as happy as oj after his trial
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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