very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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