We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
sarcasm needs its own font
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
