I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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