if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
