Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
