I wish I only lived at night.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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