I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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