Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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