Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
