On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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