Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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