My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Oh god it's open bar.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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